3:01 PM

So I was scrolling through my Tumblr blog drafts and then I saw this piece entitled A Letter To My Younger Self.... Written 2 years ago. Going back to the day that I was composing this letter.... I can only recall one thing, it will only be few months left before I will finally turn 16 that time. But what was I thinking that time for me to compose this kind of letter? Am I sad? happy? upset? I can't even recall. So I've thought of  posting this here...

This week, I decided to do something a little bit different and write a letter to my younger self - I'd like to think I'm a lot wiser now (although I could be wrong) but I just think it'll be something interesting to look back on in a few years time and see how much I've changed. 

Dear Younger Self,

        So, hey... You have curly hair! You have to stop fighting it and accept it. Yes, it may take you until you are 25 to be able to figure out how to style your hair, but you do finally figured it out and everyone is jealous of your curls! You will one day find your hair stylist soulmate who knows exactly what to do with your hair. You managed to survive the tough times --- the mornings of having panic attacks before you had to go to school,going out at weekends to see the few people who stuck by you and enjoyed your company,all the health problems and everything! I'm proud of you. You wrote endless entries about things that were upsetting you -- from school to exams and although there were a lot of happy things in them too! Things like having a bonding with your family,going to the mall with your best friends, and even small things like watching horror movies with them. It was an overwhelmingly filled with happiness rather that sadness. I remember that part of my life so vividly, and it makes me upset to look back on it and remember feeling like that -- worthless. I just wish I could have let you know that it will get better. 

         Younger Jandy, you'll go to Senior High and make some amazing friends and memories, you'll make the best friend you've always wanted. You'll go on holiday again. You'll experience a lot of love and hate. You'll obviously still experience a lot of sadness -- some so bad that your heart will ache and you'll cry until you have no tears left and yet you'll still continue but you'll also have moments of overwhelming happiness, coming along randomly and enveloping you in a cloud of the warm and happy feelings. You'll also remain the same a lot of ways,over the years --- I think no matter how old we get, we're always going to be experimenting with our hair, spending too much time listening to musics (kind of like when we used to sneak our phone into school and listen to it during lessons when we had long hair, ooops!), procrastinating and generally, you will always live on inside me with the cheekiness and innocence of being a teenager, and being curious about the world. So much about me has changed.. even my personality. I guess that's what supposed to happen though, right? The evolution of us as people. Yet I couldn't help but think how much easier life would've been had I just known a few simple things back then. Granted it was only seven year ago (I mean,that is a whole two-thirds of a decade! Kind of like when you were actually 8 but you made sure everyone knew you were actually eight-and-a-half thank you very much!) I guess certain things come with age.

        Jandy, you're having the time of you life in high school. You've got some of the best friends,grades,extracurricular activities, yet you're still naive. It's a slightly endearing trait to have so please never trade it to feel jaded by life. You're still toying with what you want to do after high school but your heart is starting to put itself into Business Management. It's an interesting choice, to say the least. You'll feel contented with your choice and then you'll so what you always do, you'll make it fit your life as opposed to making yourself fit into it. You never were a 9-to-5 kinda girl. You get frustrated and irritated at the "quirky" remarks and "you're just different!" exclamations but don't... they're special. Different is a good thing. You've spent all of the time growing up trying to fit in with everyone else but its okay if you don't. Each and every one of your friends is different in some way and you'll grow to understand that is a few years. You'll have a whole new group of friends in College (never entirely forgetting about the old, though!) and you'll have some of the very best times of your life. But as school friendships often do, they'll trickle and fade away until only a select few remain. Those few are true gems and you should cherish them deeply. You'll fight with a few of them (that's a proof that you're comfortable enough with them to disagree),and you'll make up in due time. 

        You'll meet a boy and think "this is it!" but you'll realize that there's so much more out there and he is not in the final picture. You'll have your heartbroken and you'll do your fair share of breaking, but the important part is that you learn life goes on. You'll go on trips. You'll make plans, you'll take a million pictures. But in the end they will be merely memories and a lesson learned. Rather than become jaded by many years spent with this person, let it empower you to live a different life. Rather than become complacent and pessimistic, let it teach you the magnificence of a positive outlook and a change of tune. Never forget how to be that strong and independent woman that your parents taught you to be. They lead by example and it's your turn to steer the course. Senior High will be fun, but hard. You wont have any type of social life to speak of, but you're okay with that. You'll work hard and seize opportunities that you've only ever dreamt of. You'll be so blessed to have the experiences you do, Value them. Milk them for absolutely everything they're worth. You'll set goals and you'll meet them. Then you'll set even bigger ones. Please never become contented or satisfied with life. Always strive for more. Take time to value each and every accomplishment along the way, but don't stand still for too long. Life is rapidly changing and moving at the speed of light. Someone you haven't even met yet will leave and re-enter your life.... at the most perfect time. Someone you never even gave a second thought to will re-emerge and it will feel like your life had been waiting on that single moment in time. 

        Life won't we easy. Good things in life never are. There will be obstacles to overcome and changes to be made, but they'll be good. It is with this person that you will experience the most incredible love, as well as some devastation. You'll experience a profound loss a some point, but it is from that very wreckage that you'll pull yourselves up and grow/evolve at a rapid rate. You'll learn empathy and you'll be back in the saddle in no time. You'll make plans with this specific person. Very very special plans. You'll make plans of your own too. Together you'll put all of these goals, dreams and ideas in motion. You'll be the perfect team. You'll be surrounded by your amazing family,as well as his. You'll truly be living your dream. So much of the story is left unwritten, but know that you're on the right track. You're going to make so many mistakes along the way but believe me when I say that the outcome is worth it. Every embarrassing moment,every accident and slip-up. They will lead you to a very wonderful place. Continue to seek happiness and fulfillment in everything you do. You have a bright future ahead of  you, and best of all, you have some amazing company to share it with. Try stressing a little bit less.  Try relaxing a little bit more. You're in good hands.

          It is okay if it doesn't seem like you have found your clique of friends yet. Your best friendships are yet to come. You will have great friends in life. Friends that know exactly what cartoon bird video to put on to make you feel better, friends that you will stay up all night with no reason at all except that the conversation never stops. Friends that encourage you to leave your comfort zone, but are protective enough to say, "make good choices" before you embark on a new adventure. You will discover that school and grades are not everything. It is not so much what you are learning, but the work ethic that you learn from your dedication to school and extra curricular activities that keeps you moving forward and rising to the top; and, ultimately allows you to enjoy life to its fullest. Dont worry. You will end up doing so much more than you ever thought you would. You do not take the traditional route that you think you are destined for. You will discover a fork in the road that you did not even know existed, and for your willingness to take advantage opportunities that present themselves to you and your commitment to take a chance on the unknown, you are rewarded with a career filled with travel, excitement, and a sense of confidence in your abilities that will stay with you always. Trust your instincts because they have proven to be trustworthy and make sure you take risks, because they always seem to put you in the right place at the right time.  Jandy, I feel like I should start telling you to realize how lucky you are. But I think you already know how LUCKY you are.

                                                                                                                              Love, older self"

By just reading this again, I can feel that I'm not that contented in my life before. I can feel the sadness. For the things that happened before, it made me even more feel sad.

But then I just realized that we can't be happy all the time. We should face different obstacles in life for us to be strong. It's nice that I'm experiencing happiness and contentment in life right now --- but one thing for sure, I will never forget how sad I was before.

PS: stay happy, self :)

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